Today has me thinking: who are you? Tomorrow, everyone in my profession returns to work after summer break. Beginning of school meetings. Getting your classroom ready. Meeting with your teaching team to plan the beginning of the year… things I have done for the last 9 years. Even last year, though I was on maternity leave, I still did all these things. So tomorrow is the first time I won’t be doing any of these things. It’s really the first time that hit me, I’m no longer teaching. Which got me to thinking… who am I?

Over the years I have had many roles. Daughter. Sister. Cousin. Aunt. Wife. Colleague. Teacher. Coach. Friend. Student. And most recently, Mom. But not just any mom, Mom of a medically fragile child. Mom of a daughter with a heart transplant. Mom who’s job it is now to care for her. This role of Mom is my greatest joy and greatest struggle. Don’t get me wrong, being able to stay home with Emerson used to be my dream. Before having her last year, I wanted to stay home and raise her. We joke now (I use joke lightly, as we usually don’t joke about her condition) that Emerson didn’t have to go to such extreme lengths to get me to stay home with her. So I am grateful I get to do this. Yet at the same time, I’m having a hard time adapting to this new role, this new identity. On most days I feel I am simply viewed as “Mom of heart transplant survivor, Emerson.” I am forever grateful for her life and would do anything to protect her. Her needs will always come first. 

I love Emerson, I don’t think anyone would ever question that, and I will always put her health  and needs above anything else. I have to. Yet there are times when I just stop and think, this would all be so much easier if we didn’t go through any of this. We could be “normal” (but what does that even mean). Emerson has tantrums and does things that drive me up a wall, and I find myself feeling guilty being mad about it. It does frustrate me. Watching a spunky toddler (and new puppy) all day takes a toll. When I stop to reflect on my feelings I think, you shouldn’t be this mad because 1-she’s a toddler and this is what they do and 2- remember everything she went through just to be alive. But sometimes at the end of the day, I’m just tired. I feel stuck. 

Earlier this summer I was out with Emerson and a female worker said to me “Oh you’re a stay at home mom? How lucky.” But it was said a little back-handed and like it was a dig at me and other moms. It really threw me because this was not my first choice. I fully intended to be a working mom and attempt to balance (and probably fail) at that role. But that was the plan. So this comment really rubbed me the wrong way because it wasn’t just a want, it was a necessity. We can’t send Emerson to a normal daycare facility. We can’t expose her to the germs and viruses on a daily basis, knowing that she contracts them much easier. We’ve spent the last 6 months making sure to avoid germs at all cost. So we had to redefine our household, I had to take this new role. So rather than me telling the lady “You have no idea the personal hell my family has been through the last few months to get here,” I just simply smiled and said, yes, I am. Why does being a stay at home mom have such a bad rap? Or better yet, why does what I do Mayer to you in the least bit? When did it become frowned open to stay at home and raise your kids. 

So to all the moms and dads who work, you are amazing, and under appreciated. To all the moms and dads who stay at home, you are amazing, and under appreciated. How different the world would be if we wouldn’t tear each other doesn’t and instead offer praise alone the way or a shoulder to cry on when it’s overwhelming.