If you would have told me 5 months ago this is where I’d be, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you would have told me the idea of being home is on the horizon a month ago, I wouldn’t have believed you either. Yet it’s here. What Brandon and I have been wanting and craving so badly, our family back together, is a realistic dream that is closer and closer to becoming true. Someone pinch me!
What we have been through is unimaginable and unexplainable. Yes, we’ve done our best to convey what we’re going through, but even with that, the only people who truly get it is us. This is not a jab at anyone, because we truly have the worlds greatest family and friends who have gone above and beyond in ways to support us. I could do a whole other post on that. But the daily grind, the diagnosis, the lifestyle changes, the tearing apart of our family was what we had to live with every single day since September.
Emerson has been exceeding expectations, and there is a possibility we can go home, for good, in just a few weeks. The wait before transplant was a marathon, anyone would tell you this. Waking up every day not knowing if this would be the day your life would change, or praying every day she would remain stable enough and fight off any illness that might come her way. Then you get that phone call and everything turns into a sprint. Not because there is a rush for any of this, but because she now has a fully functional heart and can bounce back a little easier. Thinking that the time spent pre transplant would be longer than the time after when we can go home is still surreal.
Even though we are very close to this dream, the future with Emerson is still uncertain. I’m part of groups with families who have gone through this journey, only to lose their child years later, or other families who have been through multiple transplants, yet still others who’s kids have had the same heart for decades. We do not know which path we will be lead down with Emerson. This is still a very scary realization for us. But should we live our lives in fear of the unknown? No way. We will live each day to to fullest, soak up every minute with Emerson and be truly grateful for this life she has been given.
I have kept my mama heart very guarded and hidden through this process. I think that’s one of the ways I’ve been coping with it all. But recently I’ve been think a lot about Mary, Jesus’ mother, and the verse that says, “Mary treasured all of these things and pondered them in her heart.” As a mom, I understand and relate to this verse more than anything before. Mary knew the fate of her son, knew what his role in the world was going to be. Mary listened and observed what was going on, I believe, so she could draw strength from these moments later on when she would need it most. How different would it have been if Mary didn’t pause and reflect on these moments? If she had tried to control them and steer them a different way? Instead she opened her heart to God, letting him fully take the reigns and show her the path.
I feel that’s what I’m doing now with Emerson, treasuring up as many moments as I can. When I just sit with her in the quiet and watch her sleep, or when I watch her playing with her toys, I’m not only enjoying the moment, I’m engraining these moments to look back on and draw strength from when it might not be so easy. Jesus give me the strength to keep going, and being the best mama to the world’s greatest gift that I can be.