Dear All,

Thank you so much for the love you have given in this new season of my health. I wanted to reach out directly and just let you know how I’m doing in the midst of all this movement. 

Thankfully I am feeling more energized and clear headed since my last hospital stay. I have oxygen at home which has helped tremendously with both rest and energy. I have started asking for rides to appointments, (thank you Bryan and Mary!) and we have hired someone to help with meals and light cleaning at least once a week for a few hours. 

One of the things I’ve realized is that I now actually have more free time to myself. I’m not able to use house cleaning as a means to avoid creative work anymore. I’m having to ask: 
– what is it I want to do when I’m not doing breathing treatments, eating, or sleeping? 
– What is my definition of a “good day?” 
– What gives me life and fills me up throughout my week? 

I have the opportunity to dig deep in this season of Advent waiting, of navigating unknown territory with my family (and you all), and create in the midst of it. I don’t want to spend that time grieving what I cannot do, or bemoaning what I have to let go of. I have learned that death, in its many forms of transitions and letting go, is an integral part of life. It is essential for new life to be able to happen. Grieving and mourning are important as well, and you never know quite how long it will take. For me, knowing that death and grieving are real seasons helps me rest. I know that once I surrender I can begin to come back to myself. 

Vulnerability is something I have to embrace and not reject just because it’s emotionally difficult. Brene Brown has been an invaluable guide for me in this process. 
(Watch her TED Talk if you haven’t heard of her before.)

I hope that throughout this season of unknowns and major medical challenges, that I can connect more richly with you all, whether through posts like this, personal letters or conversations. I do have more demands on my energy but part of what gives me life and fills me up is connecting with people and being able to share in your lives. I have to remind myself constantly that the goal of asking for help is to free me up to improve and facilitate quality of life. And quality is not just in fulfilling physical needs but rather naming and pursuing what gives me joy. 

One of the gems I have found recently that has helped ease the guilt of asking for practical help is this lovely podcast about Emily Dickinson’s Kitchen. They point out that even though she loved cooking she wrote a lot more poetry when they had hired house help, which is a good reminder in general.

I realize too that we all need encouragement and permission to pursue things that give us life and fulfillment. I hope that we can all find more ways to give ourselves (and each other) that permission to find time for joy. 

Thank you for supporting Jamie and I in all this. We are so grateful. 

With a full heart,
e.