I’m not sure anyone could have ever prepared me for the anxiety I would feel as a mother or should I say, a mother of a child who has a chronic disease. I can remember the day my anxiety started, it was the day of the my 18th week prenatal ultrasound. What should have been a day filled with joy of seeing my baby on an ultrasound, actually turned out to be a day filled with worry and fear. This is the day we first found out that there was a problem with Max’s kidneys. From that moment on, every ultrasound appointment was filled with anxiety. Towards the end of my third trimester I was have weekly ultrasounds. I remember having someone tell me how lucky I was to be able to see my baby so often and that I must have tons of ultrasound photos. Lucky wasn’t really how I would describe it, nor how I felt. Each ultrasound only brought on more disheartening news and more fear. At 36 weeks pregnant my anxiety hit me hard, after my ultrasound is was decided that Max would need to be delivered early. I checked into the hospital and 24 hours later we welcomed Max into the world. My life and anxiety forever changed from that moment on. Ultrasounds for Max’s kidneys continued, often times I left the ultrasound room not only physically exhausted but emotionally as well. The fears of what the tech/radiologist saw or the apprehension of what was to come, left me most of the time sick to my stomach. As Max has gotten older it has gotten physically easier to have ultrasounds, I didn’t need to hold him or distract him like I use to to keep him still. I do have to admit, it did NOT get emotionally easier. With each ultrasound we continued to get tough news and eventually given the news that he needed a transplant. 

The day after Max’s transplant surgery he had his first post transplant ultrasound, this was the first time in 11 years that there was positive news. Everything looked great and the new kidney was functioning properly. 

Anxiety can be triggered in so many ways, sometimes just the smell of a hospital can trigger it, but ultrasounds are definitely a huge trigger for me. So when Max’s transplant nurse wanted to have one done to make sure the transplanted kidney was doing well, I automatically had an uneasy feeling. This time though I did feel hopeful and curious to see my kidney inside Max. Really when you think of it, its crazy amazing that an organ that once was mine is now in my child! Much to our dismay, the ultrasound revealed some hydronephrosis in the new transplanted kidney. What this means is that urine is building up in the kidney and for some reason is not draining as it should. If the fluid continues it could cause damage to the transplanted kidney. With an upward climb in Max’s creatinine over the last couple of weeks and now the hydronephrosis, Max’s urologist has stepped in with new plan in Max’s recovery. Unfortunately that does mean we have had to take a step back in recovery. Max had to have a catheter placed last week and also needed to have his stint removal surgery pushed back. He will have to continue a few of his meds to help with any infections that could arise. We will continue to travel 3 days a week to Milwaukee for labs, clinic visits and now ultrasound appointments too. I am praying this week provides us with some better news and that I can get rid of some of this unwelcome anxiety.