I don’t think I have really cried since the moment they took Max out of my arms and back to surgery for his transplant and I made the long walk back to his room to get all of our stuff. I eventually settled down as we made our way to the surgery waiting room and our friends who came to support us quickly got us distracted. But that was 3 months ago. And I just now really cried again.

Being stuck at home a lot with Max has made us a little stir crazy at times. And as much as I hate it, we resort to screen time to keep us all entertained for awhile. I made some comment to Jon that I remember watching family home videos with my family to waste time and how that really isn’t a thing anymore thanks to iPhones. Then it dawned on me that our Apple TV has our pictures from our phone so I quickly click on it and see that the photo app has made short videos of our memories. I click on one that said something like the past 6 months and we all settle in to watch. Within seconds, I was sobbing. Most of the pictures were of Max in the hospital and a few of him before. He was so yellow. So small. So sick. And here we all are, smiling. How in the world were we smiling?!?! Then it shows a little snippet of a video of Max rocking in his swing in his hospital room with me singing to him and him smiling at me. Of course I stop singing and giggle and tell him how much I love him. How could I giggle?!? How did we make it through it? How did we get up every morning and go to the hospital every single day? I have no freaking clue. So I sobbed. Bexley started looking at me worried. Jon drops everything and rushes over to console me. I just keep saying, through tears, “How did we do it?!?” Max is just squealing and being his happy little self. I squeezed him and try to calm myself down. I click on more of these pre made videos and shake my head as we watch them play through our memories of this past year.

I don’t know how many people told me that they were impressed with how I was handling all of this and that they couldn’t do the same. I told the same thing many times….that I don’t know how I’m doing it. I remember talking to friend who had a child with medical issues and she said something like you put your head down and you do what you have to do for your kid. It was so encouraging to hear her say that because she understood what I was going through and put into words how I felt. I love Max and I was going to do whatever I needed to do for him. And the best thing I could do for him was to be strong and take care of him instead of having the major meltdown I so wanted to have and be out of commission for days.

So I let myself cry this week because I needed it. Because I deserved it. Because we had made it. And to remember that it was lots of prayers and support from those who love us that helped us get through the hardest year of our lives.