Stop Bossing Them Around: Declarative Language for Medical Needs
The Medical Maze is a daily challenge, and I get it.
I’m a 20-year L&D leader and 15-year Medically Complex Mom dedicated to sharing the proven, repeatable systems that help my family find peace as we go. Let’s make this journey easier, together.
This is the second of a 4-blog series titled “Rebooting the System,” aimed at helping us navigate chaos created by others without losing our cool. And we have yet another tool for you to download for free at the end of this 5-minute read!
Why Being Bossed Around Makes Kids with Medical Needs Snap
Imagine this: You are at work. You are exhausted, your head hurts, and you are stressed.
Your boss walks over and barks at you:
“File this. Sit up straight. Why isn’t this done? Do it now.”
How would you react? You’d probably snap. Or you’d want to quit.
Well, that is how we talk to our medically complex kids. And when they do things like refuse their medication, we wonder why.
The Mirror of Command
The “Command” Glitch: Understanding Imperative Language
In grammar, we call commands “Imperatives.”
- “Put on your shoes.”
- “Eat your dinner.”
- “Open wide.”
For a kid with medical trauma, a command isn’t just annoying. It feels like a threat.
Their Smoke Detector (from Post 1) hears a command and thinks: “I am being forced! Danger! Fight back! I hate everyone including my doctor and my mom!”
Result: Screaming, hiding under the table, or throwing the shoes at your head.
The Fix: Using Declarative Language to Reduce Anxiety in Kids with Medical Needs
To fix this, we need to change our User Interface. We need to stop acting like a Dictator and start acting like a Narrator.
It’s called Declarative Language.
You state the data. You let them process it.
The “Say This, Not That” Swap List
- Don’t say: “Put on your coat right now!” (This is a Command. It triggers a fight).
- Do say: “It is freezing outside. Your coat is on the hook.” (This is Data. It triggers thinking).
- Don’t say: “Don’t spill that milk!”
- Do say: “Whoa, that cup is super full. It looks wobbly.”
Why This Works: Keeping the Thinking Brain Online
When you use Declarative Language, you invite the child to think. You aren’t cornering them.
It keeps the “Thinking Brain” online.
In my house, this saved my sanity. My kid wasn’t stubborn. They were just tired of being ordered around by doctors, nurses, and me. When I stopped commanding and started sharing data, the hard times didn’t end… but they got more livable.
Free Downloads: The Declarative Language Cheat Sheet & Guide
Turn commands into connections. Download my quick-reference guide and the cheat sheet (to post where you need it most) for using Declarative Language with medically complex youth. Reduce anxiety and refusal in just one sentence.
Sources:
- The Declarative Language Handbook by Linda Murphy, SLP (A lifesaver)
- The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel
Turn Hope Into Action: Support O’s Journey
The journey of holding fear and hope requires immense emotional strength, as well as tangible support. The truth is, O’s needs, especially the costs associated with a second transplant, are a battle that no person should face alone.
We are partnering with COTA (Children’s Organ Transplant Association) to secure the funds needed for O’s lifetime of transplant-related care. Your kindness helps us convert our daily anxiety into concrete, sustainable care and gives us the ultimate gift: a brighter future.
Please consider donating to O’s COTA campaign today. Start by selecting the button below.
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