When you find out you’re pregnant you can’t help but imagine your perfect, chunky, healthy baby. You never imagine that you are pregnant with a baby that is perfectly imperfect.

At 20 weeks we found out Weston had enlarged kidneys. No big deal in our minds. We were reassured that this was common and most babies grow out of this long before birth. So, we made an appointment to check his kidneys with a specialist again at 30 weeks.

 

30 weeks, his kidneys were still enlarged. I was starting to get nervous but was again reassured that he could still grow out of it. I was optimistic and staying away from google. This time we were referred to a urologist to discuss what could be going on with our baby’s kidneys.

 

32 weeks, we met with our urologist. She is WONDERFUL. She sat down and went through each of the possibilities of what could be wrong with our baby. (Knowing that something was wrong with our sweet baby growing in my belly was devastating) She was happy that his amniotic fluid was good, that baby was otherwise healthy, and told us that she thought it was most likely reflux of the kidneys. Easy solution. Some antibiotics at birth, we would go home from the hospital, monitor as he grew older, and he would most likely grow out of it! Whew. I was feeling much better!

 

34 weeks, another ultrasound. This time his kidneys were much larger and his ureters were also enlarged. I started crying. I didn’t understand. I had done everything I was supposed to do to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. However, I was still optimistic. The doctors didn’t seem too concerned, so neither was I. I thought everything was fine; something he’ll grow out of eventually!

 

They asked us to deliver at a hospital with a NICU to run tests on Weston after birth. I guess that should have been a sign that this was something more serious, but I was in denial and remaining optimistic about my unborn baby boy.

 

October 2nd, Baylee’s birthday, I went into labor! I couldn’t wait to meet our sweet Weston and bring him home! We went to the hospital around 11:00 pm and they sent us home around 1:00 am. They said I wasn’t in labor- I knew they were wrong… but we did as we were told.

October 3rd, Weston was coming quick. So quickly we had to call an ambulance. I was TERRIFIED. Ryan was on the phone with 911, my mom with our OB. They were instructing them how to deliver a baby! What?! No way! No way I was delivering my baby at home. The ambulance arrived just in time. They strapped me in, Ryan jumped on board, and we were on our way.

 

The ambulance ride was HELL. I’m not exaggerating one bit. We were scared. I needed to push. The paramedics did NOT want to deliver a baby. Thank God for my husband. He kept me as calm as I could be. This was not my birth plan!

 

We arrived at the hospital and the rest is a blur. I was 10 centimeters. My body was ready to have a baby, but I wasn’t. No epidural. No time to mentally prepare. I still had on my jammies from home. My OB wasn’t even there!

 

Then, like an angel in comes my OB! Thank you, Jennifer Goss, for rushing from your home to be there… seriously y’all, she’s a saint. She told me it was time.

 

2 big pushes and there he was. A little after 7:00 am (just 7 minutes after arriving at the hospital from what I hear) I saw my beautiful, perfect baby. She placed him in my arms. Right where he would stay…. until they took him away.

 

Something was wrong. They took him away! My husband followed. There I was. My mom was with me, but not my baby. That’s not how it was supposed to be. I knew that because Wyatt never left my side. I had just given birth, but I didn’t have a baby. I felt empty. Completely empty. Not how you’re supposed to feel after having a baby.

 

They needed milk in the NICU for Weston. Instead of being able to nurse my son for the very first moments of his life, a nurse, for lack of better words, milked me, and a stranger fed my baby somewhere else in the hospital. Away from me. This was the first moment I felt like I failed my child.

 

The nurse cleaned me up and took me to my recovery room. Still no baby. Still felt empty. Maybe empty isn’t the right word. I felt SOMETHING, but I don’t have the word for it. A piece of me was missing.

 

I went up to the NICU and was able to see him briefly. I wasn’t able to hold him. I had to ask permission to touch my own child. Then, I had to leave.

 

Nothing felt real. I was exhausted, sore, and still in shock from a traumatic birth. The worst part, I still didn’t know what was wrong with my baby. I still didn’t know why he was in the NICU and not with me. A time that should have been filled with joy and sweet baby snuggles was filled with sadness and a machine pumping my body every 3 hours. I was going through the motions. Trying to stay strong on the outside. On the inside, I was being torn apart.

The next time I saw my son he was being transferred out of the hospital. They had done an ultrasound and his urologist decided he needed to be at the NICU in the children’s hospital. When I say I saw my son, I didn’t really see him. He was in a giant transport box. I call it a box because that’s what it felt like to me. 2 nurses came in, wearing flight suits, with my baby covered in wires and machines. I could reach through a hole in the box to touch him and say goodbye. Mommas, if you have ever been through this, I am so sorry. Mommas, if you haven’t been through this, get on your knees and thank God.

 

The moment they left the room a wash of emotions hit me. The flood gates opened and the tears fell. I don’t think the tears stopped falling for weeks.

 

My husband was able to go to the NICU with him, thank God he was with his Daddy! I wasn’t released from the hospital until the next day. They discharged me early so I could go straight to the NICU. I was so anxious to see him.

 

I remember walking into the room. There were two babies. I didn’t know which child was mine. I grew this baby in my body for 9 months, I KNEW him, but I didn’t recognize my own child. That’s the second moment I felt like I had failed my child. How could I care for him if I didn’t even recognize him?

 

The next few weeks were brutal. Balancing home and hospital. Overwhelming emotions. Watching Weston go into surgery. Hours and hours in a small room listening to monitors beep. Meeting other parents. Seeing other babies come and go. The NICU is an experience I never wish on any parent.

 

Dell Children’s Hospital is AMAZING. The nurses are superb. The doctors couldn’t have been more professional, educated, informative, and kind. The care and support we received was exceptional. They do everything they can to make your experience as comfortable as it can possibly be. It’s still the hardest thing a new baby can go through. 

 

We got to go home with our baby. We are blessed beyond words. Our son left healthier than he arrived. Miracles happened in his little body and I praise God every single day for the work He is doing in our son. Some parents aren’t so fortunate, and my heart goes out to them. Weston has kidney disease and he will need a transplant, but he came home!