There’s a saying when you fall off your bike, to get right back on. I suppose this is to instill there’s nothing to be afraid of; to not let fear get the best of you. Everyone falls of the bike at one point in their life, and if they never got back on, if they let the fear control their mind, they would live their entire life with this fear. However, when you fall off the bike in the way we did, it’s sure hard to get back on without fear.

Up until September 2018, we were pedaling along just fine. We had the perfect baby. She did all the normal baby things, and our lives were so full. She was growing, gaining awareness of her surroundings, meeting family members, and just providing so much love. I never knew something so small could do all of this. Then on September 24, we fell off the bike. It’s not like there was even a curb in the way we could foresee. It came out of nowhere. We couldn’t prepare for this. It all happened so fast.

This last year we’ve been living moment to moment. Get Emerson to the right hospital. Get her through her first surgery. Get her breathing on her own again. Get her to her heart transplant. Get her out from this hospital. Get her back to Vegas. Those were tangible things we could want and see. Things we were striving for. Now that we’re home, it’s less of a moment to moment itinerary. So what’s next?

It would be so much easier to resume a normal life if…..

If I didn’t have to worry about her body rejecting this new organ.

If I didn’t have to worry about blood levels.

If I didn’t have to worry about sickness and viruses, knowing she’s not as strong to fight them off.

If I didn’t have to worry taking her in public for fear of risking her exposure to heaven knows what.

If I didn’t have to worry about parents being responsible and vaccinating their kids so mine could stay safe.

If the slightest thing didn’t set us into a tailspin with our thoughts.

If things most people chalk up to a normal tantrum or sickness, sets fear in our heart that it could be something major.

If I didn’t have to worry about her future.

I think now that we’ve had a year to process what happened, we are finally doing so. We, at least I know I, repressed so much that was going on in the moment. I had to stay strong. Emerson depended on me staying strong for her. Sure I had moments of weakness in the hospital. But I think I’ve had more breakdowns now that we’re home. We try to plan, but everything has to be hypothetical. Nothing can ever be concrete plans again, because they can change in an instant. And with the impending flu and RSV season upon us, we may just become recluse (I say this jokingly, but am also very serious).

I am told all the time “God only gives you so much you can handle” and honestly I don’t believe it. Now before you flip out, let me explain. I would be able to accomplish nothing from the last year without my faith. Not a thing. I can’t handle anything on my own. It’s not in human nature to deal with things of this extent on your own. Instead, I handle the things thrown at me BECAUSE I have God. Because I have faith. Because I know at the end of the day whose I am, and whose Emerson is, too. God only gives us what we can handle with His mercy.

Still, I wish it wasn’t so hard to get back on the damn bike.