It has been a year. I have often come across in books this concept of Before and After. This idea that some event happens in one’s life to change the trajectory of what you anticipated so much that it becomes a proper noun. Before and After. I’ve been thinking about that a lot as I look at my “memories” in my photos app. We are officially at the end of the Before time in my memories. As of today when I go on that app “a year ago today” will be full of After. The strange thing about having our big Life Changing Event happen during a world wide pandemic is that for almost everyone, this week is a delineation of Before and After. This year has sucked. And while I’ve withdrawn and grieved and processed, I’ve also been able to participate in mass grieving. The world is a different place than it was a year ago. Today will be a day of processing all that we’ve lost; the life without blood draws and liver numbers, the freedom of not having medication alarms structuring my day, the freedom in not having a child who is immunocompromised, the child whose life ended so my child’s didn’t; but it will also be a time of gratitude.

I recently came across this Mary Oliver poem that seems to be a perfect summation of 2020.

We shake with joy

We shake with grief

What a time these two have, housed as they are

in the same body.

Tomorrow is also the first day of Spring. The significance of that is not lost on me. We are starting anew, this last year is being renewed and redeemed. The death of Before has to come for After to take place. So my family will (literally) burn the list of bad things that befell us this year and focus on some of the blessings. God was good to us. You all were good to us. I have never felt so loved as I did those two months in the hospital. In the worst time of our life our community showed up and loved us well. We are so thankful for all the words, letters, meals, presents, and money you threw our way. You all used your gifts to love us in ways that were unique to who you were and that was so beautiful. From gifts of organization, to herbs and books, to reading an entire book aloud to us over Marco Polo, to doing our yard work, to fielding questions and standing in the gap so that we were given space, to checking in and then being okay when we didn’t respond. You all made so much difference in our grief. So thank you.

And because you are probably actually interested in an update on Delia’s health, I suppose I can give you one. We had an appointment with the Liver Team yesterday and everything looks good. She gained 10 pounds since October bringing her total weight gain to 60 pounds since she first entered the hospital. In May I could see her ribs and her spine and now she’s busting out of her clothes. She’s also grown about 4 inches in the last year. Her blood numbers are holding steady and her platelets are actually NORMAL! This means that the likelihood of her having aplastic anemia is very unlikely. This concern has been hanging over my head for the last year and I’m very relieved to have those results. Unfortunately, her liver numbers went up a little bit over the last month so she is unable to go off her prednisone or space out her blood draws the way we were anticipating. The numbers are not concerning, but something to track closely. Luckily, her blood draws are going smoothly and “Grandma Terry,” the phlebotomist at the Albany Hospital, helps a lot … and also, YouTube cat fail videos. She is officially done with her breathing treatments (which were a monthly trip to OHSU in Portland), an event we celebrated with cousins and cake.

February 2020

March 2021

It’s been a year. Full of joy and grief and all the emotions in between. I am so thankful it’s officially over and excited about what this next year holds.