“Emerson Buskirk is our 6 month old female with dilated cardiomyopathy and severe left ventricle defect, status post PA band and pericardial effusion, currently listed status 1B and awaiting a heart transplant.” This is how rounds begin every day. Hearing this, even now, still knocks the wind out of me. My daughter needs a heart transplant in order to survive. What? This hasn’t just been the worlds longest nightmare and I’m bound to wake up any moment? No. This is my reality. When you become a parent, you don’t really anticipate this could be what you’ve signed up for. Literally the most extreme surgery anyone could have, and Emerson needs it as a baby. 

At the beginning of this journey I spent a lot of time questioning why this was happening, as I think any normal parent would do. But the questioning didn’t get me anywhere. It didn’t change her diagnosis. It didn’t make her better. It didn’t do anything except make me angry. So I decided to stop. It wasn’t healthy. Instead I turned it all into prayer. I don’t know how any one would get rough a situation like this without it. It seriously has saved me from spiraling out of control and sinking into a depression. 

Through my time in prayer, I am constantly reminded of the song “Good, Good Father” and I’m reminded of whose Emerson really is. Brandon and I are her earthly parents, but God is her everlasting Father. One of the lines says “You are perfect in all of your ways,” and while it’s hard to fathom that this life is the perfect life God planned out for Emerson, I know it’s true. This is not a mistake. It didn’t happen without God knowing what the future will hold for her. This is His perfect plan. Does God’s perfect plan align with mine? Heck no. But, when does it? 

While pregnant with Emerson, this verse was said to me a lot: “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 1:27 But do you know what the very next verse is? “So now I give him to the Lord.” We don’t focus on that verse because it sounds so scary. But the truth about this verse is as Christian parents this is exactly what we’re called to do. Train them up in the right way, and give them back to God. Emerson is a gift to us. A gift that God gave us, and we are called to be good stewards with her while she’s on Earth, no matter what that means. We don’t know what the future will hold with Emerson as our daughter. But we do rest in God’s everlasting promises that she is His. I don’t write this without tears in my eyes. I can’t handle this thought without a strong foundation of my own. 

“Its peace so unexplainable, I can hardly think”. God has given me a peace that far surpasses any understanding. Without the peace He’s given the last three months, I wouldn’t be where I am now. God loves Emerson more than I can, and He’s guiding every decision. For this, I give Emerson to the Lord.