October 27th, 28th and 29th…The next three days have some significant anniversaries for our little family.
Today is October 27th and it was exactly one year ago on October 27th 2022 that we first noticed the petichae in Will’s eyes that started this whole journey for him. Less than 24 hours later we were told he had low platelets, we were running to the first of countless trips to Phoenix Children’s (seriously, Google Maps now automatically asks if I’m heading to the hospital when I open it up, I’m guessing it thinks I work/live here now), and we started our long road to figuring out what he had, developing a treatment plan and now about to wrap up the hospital stay portion of his Bone Marrow Transplant. The rest of that journey has been pretty well documented here on the blog but looking back its been an amazing journey along the way.
October 28th is another very special day for us as it’s Kim’s birthday. I know I am certainly grateful for the day my sweet wife and best friend was born. Naturally with a birthday so close to Halloween Kim has always had an affinity for fall and Halloween.
That was derailed back in 2016 when October 27th, 28th and 29th took on a new significance for us. The 27th was the day that we took Alexander in to Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah for the first of what was supposed to be several week long stays for chemo to combat his high grade b cell lymphoma. I remember driving him in that morning as Kim had a doctors appointment that day and I had convinced her that it was important she kept that appointment in the vein of self care. After all we couldn’t take care of Alex if we didn’t take care of ourselves. Alex was quiet on the drive up, but it was understandable that he would be nervous. His mood had been all over the place the last few weeks before thanks to the steroid treatments he was on to combat the tumor growth. Some of the events that day are a blur now while others are more clearly etched in my mind.
I remember sitting in a waiting room with him sitting in a wheelchair, mostly so I had something to help carry all of our stuff around. He was playing on his iPad, I think it was geometry dash or something like that, when he suddenly threw up all over himself, iPad and clothes. I started trying to figure out how to clean him up when a kind older lady popped out of nowhere to help us out. That lady was an angel. I got his shirt off and threw it away while one of the nurses kindly brought us out a new one and I got him cleaned up. I thanked the older lady and never saw her again. I hope she knew how much help she brought me that day and that I will never forget it.
I remember taking him in to get his port accessed for chemo but honestly that part is a bit fuzzy and may not have ended up happening. I remember taking him up to his room and getting him settled in bed while we waited for the chemo to start. He had taken to watching the animal channel whenever he was at the hospital and he started with that but he had gotten bored and I was changing the channel for him when oddly enough he settled on channel 13 fox news lunch airing. Something on it he wanted to watch but I can’t remember what.
I remember trying to get him to play his 3ds. Alex was a big video game fan and a big Nintendo fan. He loved Mario, Zelda, Kirby, pretty much any of the Nintendo games. I remember oddly that the Nintendo Switch had been unveiled a few days prior and I was talking to him about that but not getting much of a reaction which I thought at the time was odd.
I remember him slowly getting quieter although honestly I can’t remember a word he said that day. I remember feeling that something was wrong. I remember the nurses at first saying he was fine and I remember calling them back in to tell them something was wrong and not letting them blow me off. I remember him becoming non responsive. I remember the emergency CAT scan and the overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. I remember seeing it on the look of the tech’s face before the doctor evern had to tell us anything. I remember calling Kim in a panic that she needed to get to the hospital. I remember holding her, as tight as I possibly could when the doctors told us that Alex wasn’t going to make it in the very early hours of October 28th. I remember telling her that everything would be okay as I felt my world crumbling around me, her sobs shaking me and mine right along with it.
Over the course of the day while Alex lay on life support I remember all of the family that was available coming in and saying their good bye’s with us. I remember thinking how horrible it was that this was happening but feeling bad that it was on Kim’s birthday. I remember later that day when we pulled Alex off the life support and thinking he would go quickly. I remember laying there with him, his raspy breathing shaking his little body as he wouldn’t give up. He held on for hours before the calendar finally turned over to the 29th and Kim and I told him he didn’t have to hold on any more.
I remember the last breath…
I remember packing up. I remember Kim and I wandering out to the car and driving home on a chilly fall day. I remember getting home and both of us collapsing into bed, devoid of emotion, strength and thought.
I remember the outpouring of support from friends, family, coworkers…
I remember time passing, a funeral, a burial, trying to figure out how we would move forward while holding Will and Zach tightly in our arms and never wanting to let go. I remember how we took an already close family and formed inseparable bonds over the tragedy we would continue to endure for the rest of our lives. And I remember each subsequent October 29th, taking the day off work to just be. To remember Alex, while trying not to remember the events of that day too much. I remember shedding lots of tears and not understanding why any of this had to happen.
I can’t believe its been seven years without him. He would be 18 now. A young man on the verge of adulthood. My memories of him are of course frozen in time to him being 11. That Will is now also 11 and acts just like him probably doesn’t help with that. But now maybe we have another wrinkle on this anniversary. A celebration of a new lease on life that Will has as he prepares to go home and start the next chapter.
We will unfortunately be in the hospital for Kim’s birthday this year but its been a while since we have celebrated properly on October 28th, for all intents and purposes we have moved away from celebrating on that specific day as its too hard. But that doesn’t lighten my appreciation for the amazing woman I am lucky enough to call my wife. I know there are countless women that rise to the challenge of motherhood and the challenges that it brings. That she is strong enough to deal with the cards that have been dealt to her in motherhood and not only not give up, but to meet each challenge head on and thrive in the face of adversity. From mother to wife to teacher to homemaker to accountant to chef to coordinator to advocate to friend to partner, none of us are perfect but she is perfection in my eyes.
So while this year we again won’t be fully celebrating her on October 28th we will celebrate her when we get home and I’ll celebrate her here by publicly wishing her a Happy Birthday.
This year for her Birthday Kim would like to do something a little different and has set up a birthday fundraiser on Facebook for BeTheMatch.org. While I know many of you reading this have already donated to COTA for WillPower, if Kim has had an impact on your life (and there are many of us) I’d ask you to take a moment and either share her fundraiser or donate to her modest ask. Without BeTheMatch helping us with a donor I’m not sure where Will would be today so its obviously a cause that is near and dear to our hearts and I’m hoping its something we can continue to bring more awareness to:
https://www.facebook.com/donate/347759254498322/347759264498321/